OCTOBER 2001. The ground war in Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when
the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French
existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale
of Taliban zealots by proving the nonexistence of God.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul
Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the
combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie
among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought
during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first
action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic
points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk
animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely
isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of
heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay
by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five
minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange
Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their
mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven
young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The
Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous.
There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear,
Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an
impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of action with
special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred
However, humanitarian agencies have
been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that
the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes
could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night
that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor
Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate his non-deistic theory
of the creation of the universe.
Other tactics to demonstrate the
nonexistence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing
out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Oprah
Winfrey has not died yet.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops
operations mounted by the Allies to undermine the unswerving
religious fanaticism that fuels the Taliban's fighting spirit.
Pentagon sources have recently confirmed rumors that America has
already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the Taliban
front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers
while saying, "I am the way, the truth and the life, follow me or
die." However, plans to have the giant Christ kick the crap out of a
slightly effeminate 80-foot Mohammed in central Kabul were discarded
as insensitive to Muslim allies.
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